I’ve been blogging for more than a dozen years, but since this is a new blog, you may be a new reader. Even if you have known me personally for decades, you likely don’t know this about me.

*DEEP BREATH*

The single-most intense part of my past year, really of my entire life, has been coping with some deep-seated trauma from childhood, that has negatively impacted me for over four decades. This finally came to bear a little over a year ago, in ways that required immediate and intensive help. Thanks to the ministry of Hope Preserved, I am a changed, free woman today.

The abuses that transpired on the mission field in Asia, God has stepped in and dramatically healed. Every part of my life has been transformed, from how I relate to the ongoing limitations of my strokes (allowing God room to bring about several significant physical healings in my body in 2018, added to all He had already done in 2017; and grace to live to the fullest in areas where limitations yet remain), to my views on of self and pleasing God, like headcovering (a practice I no longer observe).

What was done to me when my parents were targeted by the enemy, was done “in the name of worship.” This abuse has messed with my head and heart for decades. I finally know, deep down in the deepest parts of my heart, that I am a daughter of King Jesus. I am learning what it means to worship in spirit and in truth.

Back in December or January, I left this review on the Hope Preserved  introduction video:

A year ago, I likely would have rejected this video. But, by God’s profound grace, I’ve lived the truth and freedom presented here over the past 10 life-changing months! I went from not even understanding the concept of “parts” of my soul, to actively seeing how my silent, but shattered, pieces, had been profoundly impacting me, and thus my family, for over 40 years. Thank you Hope Preserved, for walking me through this journey as Jesus brings profound healing and freedom to my life. – Jennifer Saake, author, http://strokeofgrace.blogspot.com/2017/05/core-deep-lies.html

There were three  core-deep lies that the enemy has shouted to my heart since childhood:

1. I am not beautiful/acceptable/pleasing to God or others. I am “less than,” never good enough.

2. No one will ever believe me. I’m a drama queen. I’m a good story teller. I’m just making this up.

3. I must be broken to be a viable witness. It is my responsibility to “steward” and shoulder my story well, that it may bring glory to my Father. That to be “useful” to God’s kingdom, means “being used” by God in the same way I was used and abused in infancy.
Jesus has replaced these with Truth:
1. God loves me, calls me by name, delights over me. I am His jewel, His treasure.
Through all I have endured, He has never left me alone. At the bottom of a deep, dark well, He is my Living Water. I can trust both my past and my future to Him. I am more than enough because He imparts His value to me, His beloved daughter. God does not leave me without help, without hope, but desires relationship with me.
2. Jesus is the Truth. I am not a Drama Queen, rather a Princess of the Most High God!  He has confirmed my story in countless ways, and continues to do so even now. Yes, He has honed the craft of story telling within me, not so I can flourish in fiction, but so that His story can be displayed in the unique way He has crafted only me to share it.
3. Sometimes healing takes time – this is to my benefit that I continue to bring my brokenness to the Lord, that I don’t get my way and forget to keep coming to Him. He makes all things new. Jesus came to bind up the broken-hearted. He has already caused this lame woman to walk, blind woman to see, deaf woman to hear, all thing doctors never believed could happen for me! He who began a good work in me will be faithful to carry it on to completion.
He will guide me one step at a time, lighting my path for this moment. It is not mine to look into plans He has not ordained for me. He calls me to rest in Him. My striving for perfection and accomplishment, is exhausting and vain. He does not use nor abuse, but is gentle and tenderly carrying me.
This is pretty much all I’m ready to say quite yet.

It has been my “bravest brave” to go public with my “darkest darkness” and even share this much publicly yet. Yes, we are talking events from over 40 years ago, but we are talking healing from less than a year ago, in some cases, just several weeks ago. The process is still fresh. I’m still settling into my newfound freedom in Jesus.